Wait. Mend. Shine.

Listen…

I’ve made

a lot of mistakes

in my life.

Not the cute

little “oops” mistakes either

— I talking about

the kind

that cause real hurt,

real loss,

real confusion.

The kind

you only really understand

once you’re standing

on the other

side of it

like,

“Damn… why did I do that shit?”

And these last few years?

Whew.

Losing my mom.

Surviving quarantine.

Coming out of quarantine

into a world

that still don’t feel right.

Trying

to hold myself up

while still grieving

my son and my grandsons.

These kinds of pains

of course,

can cloud your judgment

faster than anything else

imaginable.

So no,

it’s not easy

to make “sound” decisions

when your heart

has a

crack in it.

And it’s definitely not easy

navigating new relationships

— especially emotional ones —

when you’re still trying

to put your own pieces

back together.

I always tell my kids,

“Don’t start

something new

when you’re going

through something.”

And then guess what I did?

Exactly that.

I tried

to build new connections

while I was breaking

on the inside.

I tried

to get to know

new people

during some of the worst moments

of my life

— when my whole world

felt upside down,

and when everything

familiar

had shifted.

And the truth is…

I wasn’t

even showing up

as me.

I was showing

the

tired me.

The hurting me.

The needy,

searching,

trying-to-survive

version

of myself.

And that’s cool,

when you’re

surrounded by people

who know you…

people who understand

you’re going

through something,

who love you

through the mess.

But a stranger?

Somebody

who’s just trying to

figure out

if you fit

into their life

in a healthy way?

They don’t know

what’s grief

and what’s your personality.

They don’t know

if you’re temporarily cracked…

or permanently chaotic.

Why put that pressure on yourself

when you’re already

fighting to stand?

So yeah…

I’m taking my own advice now.

I’m sticking close

to the people

who held me down.

Who continue to hold me down.

Who never

would think to ask me

to compromise

myself,

or my standards.

The ones

who saw me hurting

and didn’t run.

The ones who

knew the difference

between my sadness

and my spirit.

And I’m giving myself

the space to mend

before I go

searching for anybody new.

Because

I want to bring

my true self

— my best self —

into new relationships.

Not the wounded version of me.

So,

if you’re going through something

hear me when I say this

Wait. Take your time. Mend. Then shine.

Because when you heal first…

you don’t have

to explain

who you really are.

You get to

walk into the room

as you

— unbroken, unbent, and unapologetic.

Reina Dee 🌿